You are worth sticking up for
I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve seen a lot…I mean a lot… of engagements happening over the last few weeks. Tis the season I guess! And before you stop here because you think this doesn’t pertain to you if you’re not engaged, don’t worry. If you’ve ever been shopping before, I promise, you can understand where I’m coming from with this one.
I thought it might be helpful to share the process of shopping for my wedding dress for a few reasons.
1) I hope that you can always remember that speaking honestly and sticking up for yourself is important and worth it.
2) No matter what size you are, you deserve to have a good and meaningful experience picking out clothes for yourself.
3) There are a few things I would suggest to do to prepare yourself for any experience like this that can make the processes easier and maybe more safe for you.
All that to say…let’s get into it.
So I feel like I should start back in high school when formal wear shopping was first introduced to me via the school homecoming dance. I remember my friends going with their moms and making a whole day out of it—getting these really cute tiny dresses and shoes that seemed easy to find at any department store. So, I assumed my experience would be the same. WRONG.
My mom and I headed out to our local mall to tackle this task only to be met with the resounding realization that nothing fit me well. At that point of my life, I basically had no boobs, a wide rib cage, and was not conventionally curvy.
The whole process was mortifying and exhausting and by the end of it, I settled on a dress that wasn’t really my style & wasn’t really what I wanted, but was one of the only options that I could get on my body. The same process happened when I went to prom.
I must note here though that these made for some excellent cringe photos to look back on:
The black one was basically that classic mother of the bride dress that I think we found on clearance at Macy’s. It’s not the worst look, but if you knew the style of prom dresses back then, you know just how wacky this looked next to my other friends 😂
And then the most classic “rebel” look on the right..the infamous Forever 21 purple cheetah print homecoming dress complete with a black owl necklace and purple vans 😭😂 Again…was any of this my actual style? Was this what I really wanted to wear? No. But it was the one dress we found that fit so I made it work.
Fast forward to me getting engaged last year and SOOO excited to get married. But honestly, dress shopping was starting to make me really nervous. Would anything fit me well? Would I have to settle for something I don’t really like? My mind kept going back to those experiences I had in high school.
So, first things first, I made some appointments at shops I knew had inclusive sizing. My second step was to immediately start talking through what this day would look like with my therapist. We basically talked through:
-Establishing safe people to go to if I was feeling anxious
-Boundaries for having to be in front of people trying on clothes all day
-Triggers from my past that might come up again and how to prepare for them
The most important thing for the day that I had was my sister who was with me and knew the situation. She was the person I could look at or say something to and she knew that I needed a break or was overwhelmed or just needed help being honest. I also told my fiancé to have his phone on him all day in case I needed to call and process throughout the day.
**(At this point I just feel the need to say that if you’re reading this and you’re thinking, wow. That’s a lot for dress shopping. I get it. And honestly, I’m so glad you have never had an experience that made you afraid to shop for clothes, especially with other people. But for a lot of us, that is not the case, and these are things I wish I had heard before I stepped into this process.)
Okay so onto the actual day:
The first shop we went to was amazing. To give you a mental picture, think… Say Yes to the Dress but smaller and more private. They didn’t discuss any sizes with me and were so complimentary and encouraging throughout the entire process. But the fatal flaw was the pricing. It was totally the by-the book what you see on TV where they keep putting you in gorgeous dresses you fall in love with that are not what you can afford. Needless to say, even on principle I didn’t want to get my dress from a place like that.
The second shop (which is where I found my dress) was a much less fancy shop, but they had a ton of options. I came in and explained to my consultant what I was looking for and right away she made it seem like the dresses I envisioned myself in weren’t going to be an option available for someone my size. We walked around the store and she immediately took me to the back where the plus size section was (which is a whole other issue for another day) and told me I would probably have the best luck in this section. To be clear, I have no issue shopping in this section. BUT my measurements did not put me into these size dresses. And unfortunately, once you get into the plus section, if you’re not conventionally (hourglass shaped) curvy, the cuts really just don’t work for you. And to really bring it home, if I was measuring for the plus dresses, this would absolutely not be the way to talk me into “hanging out in the back of the store” to find my dress.
Needless to say, my sister and I ventured elsewhere and picked some other dresses. To set the scene, you’re basically behind this tiny curtain and outside there’s a podium in front of chairs for everyone to watch you. So my consultant starts putting me in dresses she has picked for me and I don’t see any of the ones my sister or I have picked out. They are awful. Like literally the worst dresses. None of them fit me. I’m getting hot and anxious and then the consultant starts talking about my body not fitting as she’s helping me in these dresses. It’s a whole thing and I’m starting to panic. It’s the last dress of that stack, I hate all of them, and I’m on the verge of tears after having this lady talk about all the sizes and measurements I’m trying on in front of everyone.
This was literally the moment it was all crashing down for me lol. I looked like a pirate in these sleeves, my socks were showing with this slit, and I had no idea how to say I was done. You can basically see this all in my face 😂
My wedding planner then suggests that I try on the ones we picked out. So, like a movie, I try on the one that she and I picked out and it is perfect. I cry. The consultant tells me it doesn’t fit, and she’s unsure about it. A manager comes over and sees the appointment is going south and saves it immediately. She grabs the veil, I say yes bada bing bada boom they’re measuring (again she measures me and says all the numbers to me and out loud in front of everyone) and orders my dress. PHEW:
This was that moment I waited for. And I was (and still am) IN LOVE with this dress.
That’s over with. I did it. I have a dress and I can leave that awful place.
I feel like I need to stop here and say that this is one of those moments that no one really talks about when you get married. Everyone is talking about your appearance… all the time. Your hair, your make-up, what you’re wearing to showers and events, dress fittings, lingerie showers, sizing and measurements, ect. And most of this is happening in front of people. And then the big shebang—the wedding day—you’re having all these huge moments in front of people, in front of a camera, and you’re supposed to feel amazing the whole day and all that. This was something I absolutely had not thought of at all, but quickly became one of the most overwhelming parts of the whole process.
So, I get home and I start really thinking about what happened at that shop.
-The immediate assessment of me being plus sized and taken to the back of the store.
-The measuring and discussing sizes out loud with me and my party.
-The talking about my body while I’m undressing in front of her.
It was all just not sitting well with me. Especially as a person who has recovered from an eating disorder. Sizing and measurements are a HUGE trigger point, especially in front of other people.
This is a situation where I would normally think, “well I’m just glad it’s over and I’ll move on and maybe one day I think it’s funny”. But then I started to think about this happening to a friend or someone else I knew. Or just someone else in general with the same struggles as me. And I thought that it would be important for me to tell that store that the way they are allowing their consultants to talk to customers could be really harmful.
So, I wrote a review. Something I never do, unless it is a good one. I am too much of a people pleaser for that. But I felt like this time, it was necessary. Long story short, I basically talked about eating disorders and what the main triggers are and how I experienced more than one of them during my appointment. I tried to be positive and understanding. Because honestly I really don’t think she meant harm, it was just purely someone unaware of these things.
To my surprise I immediately received a phone call from the owner after I submitted my review. She told me that after my appointment they decided my consultant wasn’t a good fit for their shop. She also said they would talk about the points I explained in my review with their other employees to ensure this situation didn’t happen again.
Even when I write this, it’s still hard for me to believe that someone understood that what happened during that appointment was wrong and shouldn’t happen again to someone else. It felt like little 15 year old me was finally being seen for the feelings I had all those years ago, and maybe things were actually changing for girls that haven’t always fit in.
I say all this to remind you that you are worth sticking up for. And so are the people that come after you in these spaces. The more toxic diet culture and body shaming is called out, even in these spaces where it seems more covert or unintentional, you can make a difference for someone else. Advocating for yourself is always worth it.
Oh…and trust me…you deserve to have that moment in that perfect dress you’ve always dreamed of❤️.
